The Guilt of a Working Mother

white shimmering snow

Wow... has it really been that long since I've blogged? My mind is constantly bursting with ideas but time has been practically non-existent in my part of the world.

October, November and December were hard months for me; the first trimester of my second pregnancy was nothing like my first. I had pretty bad morning sickness (or should I say all-day-sickness) and working was draining every ounce of energy in my body; I ended up sleeping from 5PM to 6AM. Thank goodness I have a good husband; he ended up doing all the chores, cooking and taking care of our son.

As for the winter days (December, January, February), they've been slightly depressing. I leave home for work, it's dark. I come home from work, it's dark. I rush in the morning to prepare my son (eat, diaper, snowsuit), then I rush to daycare/work (hopefully beating traffic...because apparently no one remembers how to drive in the snow) and then rush back to daycare to pick up my son. I get home and cook as quickly as I can. All of this, hoping that I might have at least 30 minutes of free time at the end of my day to dedicate entirely to my son.

No day light and no "me" time pretty much sums up to no pictures (so sad). On the weekends, I catch up on everything I didn't have time for during the week; laundry, groceries, meal preparation for the following week, cleaning, and most importantly, playing with my son. Seriously though, I know I'm fortunate; everyone is in good health, we love each other, we have food and a home. Sadly, it doesn't take away the guilt.

This is what my weekly schedule looks like. Keep in mind that in the winter there's a lot more traffic and it takes longer to get ready with all the snow gear and the shoveling.

weekly schedule

6:00am to 6:30am

- Eat breakfast together, brush teeth, change diaper, get dressed

6:30am to 7:30am

- Drop off my son at daycare & drive to work

7:30am to 3:30pm

- Work

3:30pm to 4:30pm

- Pick up my son at daycare & drive home

4:30pm to 6:00pm

- Prepare & eat supper together

6:00pm to 6:45pm

- Play with my son

6:45pm to 7:00pm

- Bed time routine for my son

7:00pm to 8:00pm

- Mommy and daddy time

On Monday nights I do Prenatal Yoga, on Friday nights my son has swimming, on Saturday mornings my husband teaches squash downtown and on Sunday mornings my son has a music class.

canadian sled ride with my baby

I am a working mom.

Sending my baby to daycare after a year of maternity leave was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and it still is. It feels like someone else gets to raise my child. Someone else gets to see him learn and grow. It seriously breaks my heart. This little being is such a sweetheart. He bursts with positive energy, smiles all the time, and hands out plenty of free kisses. He is my everything and I wish I could spend every waking minute with him.

Maternity leave was amazing. I had plenty of time with my son and I even had some time for myself (photography, blogging, cooking, crafts...). I had time to clean, time to cook, time to do laundry, and time to enjoy life with my husband.

I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom after my children were born; especially during the first 5 years of their life. Unfortunately, our current financial reality just doesn't allow it. Which is why I returned to work. I try to tell myself it's for the best and that he's getting a chance to socialize with other children his own age. But is it for the best? I hope so.

I want a strong lasting bond with my child and I'm afraid that by spending so little time with him will make this dream impossible to achieve.

My dear sweet boy,
Know that mommy is always thinking of you. You are the light in my life; my reason to be.
I love you, forever.